National Best Friend Day 6.8.2021

Today is National Best Friend Day and last Thursday, 6.3.2021, I began my formal autism diagnosis with a psychiatrist who specializes in adults with ASD.

One of the many questions asked was if I have a best friend. It took a moment there to reflect on what was being asked. Did they imply a series of individual best friends over time, a group of friends, or a singular best friend?

This led me to walking those evaluating me through my childhood and current phase of life from my lense of friendship.

I was born on 4.16.1984 at 11:59pm, one minute to midnight and one minute away from being almost exactly 8 years younger than my sister Nelly and having to share a birthday with a sibling.

My mother’s best friend birthed her only child two months prior, making Hugo my first friend. We were potty trained together and even attempted to operate a toilet simultaneously because that’s what toddler BFF’s do, I think or I thought. Hugo has a cousin, Yessenia, who is one year our senior and who was the leader of our pack almost 4 decades past. And back then, I never distinguished my friendship with either one.

Being born to a large Mexican extended family implied I automatically inherited a large pool of friends who were 1st or 2nd cousins. They were all my friends. I probably referred to most as BFFs.

I also had neighbors as friends and those friendships outgrew themselves as they reached emotional maturity milestones that took a bit longer for me to achieve.

I had friends in daycare and grade school whose names I do not remember with the exception of one, Daisy Becerra. Her last name means “calf” in English and I always thought that was quite interesting.

In junior high I had different groups of friends each year. I was incredibly introverted, but some kids seemed receptive in welcoming me into their group. I began to notice how pairs would form in these friendship circles and I lacked a person to pair.

In high school I formed what became my first best friend. Her name was Claribel Salazar. We both hearted Hanson and Korn equally. We exchanged notes and wrote letters to each other. I kept these letters and decades later realized they were some of my first attempts at explaining to the world the inner workings of my being.

That friendship, like many of my friendships, outgrew itself and led to other unions.

I somehow made friends with what became my Saint Mary’s Academy BFFs — Lorena, Claudia, and Clem. We were all different and even had our separate group of friends independent of each other. I ended gravitating a bit towards Clem as she shared similar interest, all things math and cosmology. But if I reflect on my closeness and willingness to be vulnerable, it was the same across all three. What I shared with one friend, I’d share with the rest.

My college years can be broken up into series because it took me 7 years to complete my undergrad degree as I had to take time off twice. Once for a semester and a second time longer than a year when my mother battled stage 4 breast cancer prior to me completing my last semester.

My first set of friends were David, Anthony, Jose, Will and a kid from Texas whose name I can’t remember because we called him Kicks (he wore cowboy boots). They were quirky like me and unbothered that my sense of style fluctuated with Michigan’s unpredictable weather. Some days I channeled my punk self and others I sported vintage clothing from LA’s local second hand stores.

Then there were my Latinx group of friends who I grew to appreciate, but I was deeply seeking more out of Michigan. I wanted to see what Umich offered that my Latinx roots back home in Los Angeles did not.

I made friends with Liz, Yaning, and Marly who have been my, more or less, constant set of BFFs for almost two decades. There are a lot of unspoken boundaries and expectations which have led me to linger in spaces longer than them because of my literal thinking mind. There have been periods I’m closer to one than the other, but for the most part I’m equally transparent or lacked transparency when isolation used to be my mechanism of self-soothing.

There was also Rebecca who once dated an old friend of mine. She’d host me for thanksgiving or weekend trips at her family’s ranch in Indiana. I’ve visited her many times in Colorado where she lives with her husband and two children. Her and I can go months without communicating and be okay. Rebecca encourages me to pursuit all the things and cares for me as if she were an older sister. She’s become family.

After taking some time off and returning to Michigan, I made another set of close friends — Hala and Maryam. We took almost every course together and I was even roommates for a short time with Maryam. Hala and I continue to be incredibly close and checkin periodically. If there is anyone aside from my partner, mother, or sister Nelly who truly makes me feel seen and heard and willing to provide constructive feedback that I crave loads, it is Hala.

As a professional adult I’ve made a series of friendships. Never a singular friend who I could refer to as my “best friend”. I have my Bechtel close friends — Brian, Ryan, James, Hubert, and Gareth. Then there was girl Sree, not to be confused with boy Sri. I’ve known them since 2007 and have loads of shared experiences. They made it okay for me to be the same person I have always been with family and friends at work.

When I finally moved out of my sister’s home and into my own apartment, I had roommates — Franny and Renee who have been BFFs since childhood. They welcomed me and we’ve also kept in touch for over a decade even when we live in different states or countries. Franny protects me like a hawk while Renee creates experiences most folks would not dare imagine. You see, Renee is an anarchist who used to run an anarchy book store in Houston.

I eventually created and have cultivated a friendship with Sabina and Ana who I also met at Bechtel. Sabina gets my creative side while Ana mirrors my concrete mind. I can spend 6+ hours with each one talking nonstop. I have done so loads of times.

On my last project at Bechtel I made friends with Rodrigo. Our friendship grew deeper during the pandemic as we both had to revisit past trauma from the poverty we’ve experienced. Rodrigo gets my queerness, my culture, and my analytical mind. He makes me feel like I’m in my mother’s living room comfortably sharing every bit of what makes me, me.

I also became good friends with Kelly who is neurodivergent like me. We don’t mind going deeply into any topic and are accepting of our individual quirks, and we have loads and loads and allll the loads of quirks.

Then there’s what has become my concrete set of adulthood Best Friends, my game night crew — Afton, Natasha, Morgan, and Andrew. I share with them all of the things and know we’re a reliable system for anyone in our friendship. We’re all completely different and bring an authentic diverse perspective to our union. They’ve been my BFFs since 2017 and there’s no end in sight.

So when I was asked if I have a best friend — I shared the above. There has never been that one person.

My autism allows me to be my authentic self in any given environment, at almost any given moment. I’m realizing I do not need constant connection like some NT’s might need — I can achieve the in-depth connection I seek in moments spread over time.

Until recently, I always thought I’m that one person with a bazillion best friends. Everyone I meet has the potential of creating a profound impact on me. But, who might refer to me as their best friend?

I now have a life- partner, Justin, who constantly reminds me he is my best friend and I am his. I was not sure if I’d be able to find someone who I can be romantically gravitated towards, who intellectually stimulates me, and who has a genuine interest in knowing how I experience life — like I’d be eagerly interested in learning all there is to learn about them.

Next time someone asks if I have a best friend, I’ll say yes. He is my life-partner and BFF, all in one.

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