How to Not Care So Much

Do you remember when you rose your hand to be the “helper” in class? The teacher said you get to help pass out the papers, go grab the copies, or go to the office to hand in the attendance list. It was like you felt special and had this responsibility that was great. Then, if you become the “smart” one in class, people started coming to you for help on homework.

Then, as an adult, you work in a job that demands caring for customers. You thought this would be perfect. It fits your traits and you would be happy. Then as time goes by, you get hurt by the ones who let you down, the ones you did a favor for but don’t return it, and the ones who flat out use you.

Or the people who call and say “oh can you drop by the house and let the dog out? Or can you watch my kids for a few hours?” Often people want something but don’t realize the amount of energy or work it will take when you do the favor. You have to re-arrange your day for the favor, or make other arrangements with others so that you can help this person. People don’t realize this when they ask the favor.

In some research based on caring-traits, participants who engaged in “other-focused” behavior, such as holding a door, asking someone if they needed help, and lending a hand, reported better moods and lower daily stress levels than those who didn’t engage in helping behavior.

Of course, helping others would make you feel better. But there seemed to be no research on over sympathy, and over caring. Then it hit me, as I read from other psychological perspectives. It’s about you, not them. They noted three of the important flags that may be affecting you:

1) You put yourself last in all that you do. I have done this at times and even my husband is considered guilty of doing this. Remember that your needs and priorities are just important in your life so don’t let this slip. Why? It turns out that people who are dependent will immediately become attracted to you because you’re putting their needs first AND THEY KNOW IT.

2) You fear of being judged by others negatively. If you worry that the other person will judge you for saying no to their asking for help because you think they will get mad, upset, or hurt, this will become a concern for you everyone who will ever ask a favor or help from you. This is partly due to the people pleasing attitude that helps initially but it turns out causes more stress for you in the end. What happens is the person who asked for help shrugs their shoulders, leaves, and you’re left with damages of feeling bad, or regretful when you say no. So the next time a person asks, you might say yes.

3) You aren’t valued or respected. People think because you are nice you won’t mind that you’ll do this. Yes your friends and family may ask time to time but other people not in your circle may use or abuse this. This is primarily associated to no boundaries that you have not established with people. When you don’t set up boundaries with others, people think they can ask for your arm instead of your hand in helping.

So here are few tips to help ensure you set up some guards to protect yourself from caring too much.

1) Apologize and Immediately find reason for your no. Apologizing can be an actual sign of respect when you it appropriately and carefully. You sympathize with a no. Most people (most) are reasonable people who can understand why something can’t be completed at the very moment. Often, when I say “I’m so sorry I won’t be able to get that information to you right now as I am out for a few days, but as soon as I can find more information, I’ll let you know. This often is helpful for highly demanding clients, customers who like to be answered at their beck and call. You have a) acknowledged their request b) and provided reasonable explanation why something can’t be done. This can help the customer’s anxiety relax for a few days.

2) Pass the buck in a warm friendly way. “I really would like to help you but I am not sure I am the best person for this. I believe John has better expertise than me and can be best reached at…. “It turns out that even when I get these responses, I immediately move on to the next person who can help me. Thus, the pressure is moved to someone else. Just make sure to be genuine and firm about it.

3) Power of “re-positivity”. It turns out that when people hear the “no” in your voice, the best way to move forward is what I call repeating and positiveness. For example, “I am unable to do this for you, but I am glad you brought this up.” Or “I really wish I had the time to do this for you but I can’t.” Let’s think this through and see what we can come up for solutions.” The idea that you are more consulting than provides ease for the other person, gently saying no

4) *The Hardest One* (I think) — Directness. “I am hurt that you’re mad that I said no.” Directness is powerful and can also open lines of communication. It immediately lets the person know your feelings and confronts both people’s views. Usually, if the person comes to you and gets their yes’s from you all the time, this may likely decrease significantly once you become direct and use your feelings. Usually a good friend, or family member will know you have set the boundary. Other people, may likely move on to find someone else to do their bidding.

5) Release the guilt when you say no. People have no problem saying no. The problem is they are often left with the feelings of guilt because they want to meet everyone’s outer expectations. One way to move pass the guilt is to tell yourself that you have a right to say no. Remember self care involves you. Use mindfulness when your mind slips to over-analyzing or guilt comes over you. Use the power of the motto. “I have self-importance.”

Every moment you put the boundary is the moment you start feeling less bad about saying no. Self care involves you and your needs are met. The difference between this and selfishness is your ability to respect others while still getting your needs met. Just be careful not to abuse this idea of you first because it can be manipulated and off putting for others.

Related posts:

I recently had to create a back end API server that needed to be hosted in Azure. I chose to create a Node JS server. I initially created the server using the express framework locally without much…

I know this is generally a tech related blog but today I wanted to explore a mental state that I had found myself in when getting into the tech industry. Now, this phenomenon can be experienced on…

Cryptocurrency grows with adoption and one of the most advantageous use cases for cryptocurrency is still online gambling. Fast transactions, low fees, anonymity, security and transparency together…